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This image is the property of custom essay writing services reviews Windermere School The New York Public Library. For each use, you must contact: The New York Public Library, Photographic Services & Permissions, Room 103, 476 Fifth Avenue, New York, NY 10018; 212-930-0091, fax: 212-930-0533, email: permissions@nypl.org. Using an image from The New York Public Library for custom essay writing services reviews Windermere School, publication without payment of enter courses tasis (the american school in switzerland) use fees and official written permission is strictly prohibited. I can’t remember the custom essay writing services reviews Windermere School, name of the bar, but I remember I was twenty-two, and I was having the time of my life on Halloween night with my then-girlfriend in Greenwich Village. At twenty-two we could drink like beautiful androgynous unafraid fish. Young badass women in love in the bohemian capital of the education essay writing european university cyprus, world. That’s how it felt to writing out numbers in essays polimoda, me, anyway. She was a student at New York University. I wasn’t anything, having flunked out of college. We had plans that spanned continents. Youth foreshortens everything—faces, lives. Partway through a shit-ton of cheap vodka shots she got up on our rickety little wooden bar table and danced. When I say “danced” I mean punched the air like a boxer. So I climbed up on custom essay writing services reviews Windermere School, my chair and “danced” just underneath her, and she started laughing uncontrollably, pointing, pointing at my midsection, because my skirt was tucked up into custom essay writing services reviews Windermere School my neon-blue tights enough that my neon-blue butt was showing. I guess I’d made a miscalculation the last time I’d used the bathroom. We laughed that kind of critical thinking habits cheltenham college deep-throated about-to-be-women laugh. custom essay writing services reviews Windermere School? The laugh of girls before their voices thin out and tighten from the exhaustion of womanhood. In fact—and it’s only because I’m old and custom essay writing services reviews Windermere School, no longer give a crap that I can tell you this—I laughed so hard I made a little unstoppable poop in those neon-blue tights. custom essay writing services reviews Windermere School? Like a perfectly round deer turd. It was a night I wanted never to article writing guidelines les roches marbella international school of hotel management, end. Or, I wish with all my heart that the story ended there. But that’s not where the story ended. When I was four years old my Lithuanian grandmother told me a folktale about the water spirit Laume. I’d accidentally locked myself in my grandparents’ bathroom and gone into hysterics when I couldn’t get out. My father was furious at custom essay writing services reviews Windermere School my ineptitude. His yelling nearly broke the door down. This is the story she told me once I was liberated. Laume came from transcendental waters, and her spirit lives in all waters, even in baths and showers, in custom essay writing services reviews Windermere School rivers, streams, oceans, the rain, and in toilets. She is custom essay writing services reviews Windermere School, the guardian of all children, the not yet born, the newly born, the orphaned, the forgotten, even the dead children. If there is custom essay writing services reviews Windermere School, a child coming into the world, she can foresee it. If a child is mistreated, she will sometimes take him and raise him herself. If a child is lost, she protects him, while gathering information about the how to write introduction essay les roches jin jiang international hotel management college, usefulness of the parents. If parents are mishandling a child, she will transform him into whatever lesson they need to learn. Above all she values sincerity, and custom essay writing services reviews Windermere School, next industriousness on the part of mothers, particularly the women’s work of custom essay writing services reviews Windermere School weaving. Laume rewards those who work hard; she also punishes severely those who seek reward without an attention to hard work, and critical thinking habits cheltenham college, those in pursuit of self-aggrandizement. Go look underneath your pillow to see if she has left you treasure. I walked upstairs to the bedroom. My whole body shook. custom essay writing services reviews Windermere School? I stood in the bedroom a long minute with my eyes closed, waiting for hands on my shoulders. I looked around for my father there in the dark, because that’s the life I had, a father there in the dark, but he wasn’t anywhere. I looked underneath my pillow. There was a star woven from writing out numbers in essays polimoda, straw. Laume takes many forms and inhabits many tales. One of the most famous Laumes was a fisherman’s daughter, Egle, queen of the serpents. One day Egle finds a large eel in her clothes after swimming in custom essay writing services reviews Windermere School the Baltic Sea. The eel takes her clothing and only returns it when she promises to marry him. custom essay writing services reviews Windermere School? When she accepts, the eel becomes a handsome young man named Zilvinas. custom essay writing services reviews Windermere School? They live underwater together and have three children, two sons and custom essay writing services reviews Windermere School, a daughter. After a time, Egle longs to visit her parents and siblings on land. I don’t ever talk about it. It’s a bit like a little malformed myth still lodged between my heart and my rib cage. Zilvinas is terrified that Egle’s former family will reject her. But though he is custom essay writing services reviews Windermere School, worried, he agrees to let her go and bring their children. Zilvinas instructs Egle to custom essay writing services reviews Windermere School, call to him: “If you are alive and well, come back to how to write a academic essay macduffie school, me in custom essay writing services reviews Windermere School a milky wave; if you are dead, in a bloody wave.” When she arrives to visit her earthly family, Egle’s brothers, jealous of her freedom, torture her sons to death; her daughter, smitten with one of the earth brothers, betrays the secret call and lures Zilvinas to shore, where he is murdered. When Egle returns to the lip of the custom essay writing services reviews Windermere School, water, she sees a bloody wave and learns that her earth brothers have betrayed her. She curses herself and her daughter, turning them into trees forever. Many infant girls in Lithuania have the custom essay writing services reviews Windermere School, names of writing out numbers in essays polimoda trees. In the ninth year of article writing guidelines les roches marbella international school of hotel management our eleven-year marriage, my second husband emerged from our kitchen pointing a gun at me. custom essay writing services reviews Windermere School? I haven’t written much about this, at least not literally. I don’t ever talk about custom essay writing services reviews Windermere School, it. Enter courses TASIS (The American School in Switzerland)? It’s a bit like a little malformed myth still lodged between my heart and custom essay writing services reviews Windermere School, my rib cage. In America, it’s tricky to enter courses tasis (the american school in switzerland), describe violence without it turning into entertainment. A Sig Sauer P229 9mm handgun. Statistically, the most popular handgun in the United States. I’d just entered the house after work. The kitchen light was on, but not the custom essay writing services reviews Windermere School, living room light, so he was backlit. The whole house smelled like Jameson. I stood in the dark. My car keys were still in my hand. custom essay writing services reviews Windermere School? He crossed the space between us. When he was maybe three feet away, he stopped. The gun was pointed at my chest. The air in my lungs concrete. I walked the rest of the distance between us, until the gun was between my breasts. That’s how I know he was crying. I stared at custom essay writing services reviews Windermere School my second husband. Nothing moved in the house except our breathing. “Stop loving me,” he finally said, the custom essay writing services reviews Windermere School, gun heavy enough for writing out numbers in essays polimoda, me to custom essay writing services reviews Windermere School, feel my sternum ache. As if love was killing him. “No,” I said, and I closed my eyes and put my arms around him and pressed in. custom essay writing services reviews Windermere School? I waited for the how to write introduction essay les roches jin jiang international hotel management college, possible death moment between a man and a woman. Walking straight into violence was nothing new to me. I’d learned how to custom essay writing services reviews Windermere School, walk deliberately and unflinchingly into custom essay writing services reviews Windermere School violence from my father, like so many other children do in this country. In fact, in this country we raise all of our children on one form of violence or another. And so my question is not, “Why did you walk into that violence?” My question is, “Where does my love come from that I walk through male violence to education essay writing european university cyprus, find it?” Laumes are the oldest spirits of Lithuanian mythology. The images of these spirits may have developed during the historical Mesolithic period, just after the Ice Age. Laume first appeared in the form of animals, like goats, bears, or mares. Later she took on custom essay writing services reviews Windermere School, a half-human appearance, usually bird claws for feet, the custom essay writing services reviews Windermere School, lower body of a she-goat, and large stone nipples. Later still she was represented as a beautiful and supernatural water woman-creature, with fair hair and skin the color of the moon. Laumes were both benevolent and dangerous. They could tickle men to death and then eat their bodies. They could protect women and children or punish them brutally. Maybe dreams don’t mean a goddamned thing. Or maybe they mean everything. Laumes lived near lakes, abandoned bathhouses, rivers, swamps, or other waterways. Laumes liked to gather near water under the New Moon at night and dance. How to write a academic essay MacDuffie School? They could cause rain and storms and hail by singing and dancing and swimming. Anyone who knows me knows why I am attracted to Laumes. I am a child of the waters. custom essay writing services reviews Windermere School? But then so are all of us, before the breach. I had a recurring dream for twenty years that I would have three sons. I did not have three sons, and I’m fifty-two, so it’s not looking likely. What I did have was a daughter, who died, and one son, sun of my life. But I did have three husbands. Maybe dreams don’t mean a goddamned thing. Or maybe they mean everything. They say you marry a man who is like your father. My father, the artist-turned-architect, molested and abused us. He was big. Angry. Loud-fisted. Marked us forever—three little women, making for their lives. My first husband was gentle as a swan. A painter with long fingers and critical thinking habits cheltenham college, eyelashes. You can see what I was shooting for. I almost self-immolated next to custom essay writing services reviews Windermere School, his passivity. My second husband, another painter, used harsh lashing strokes on the canvas. He was big and loud, but made softer by custom essay writing services reviews Windermere School, alcohol and art. custom essay writing services reviews Windermere School? Except when he wasn’t. The gun of him. Education essay writing European University Cyprus? Sig Sauer. My third husband, father of custom essay writing services reviews Windermere School my son, is big and loud and a filmmaker. But there is the gentleness of a cellist in his hands and custom essay writing services reviews Windermere School, eyes. So sometimes I wonder if my dream was meant to show me not three sons, but three husbands. custom essay writing services reviews Windermere School? Take my second husband, for instance—the one who pressed the gun of education essay writing european university cyprus him to me—he was a lot like a child. How to write introduction essay Les Roches Jin Jiang International Hotel Management College? I wonder if Laume came and took my baby daughter, who died right before I met him, and replaced her with a man-child. This is kind of how we get through our lives: we tell ourselves stories so that what’s happening becomes something we can live with. How to write a academic essay MacDuffie School? Necessary fictions. Maybe I had some hard lessons to learn about the critical thinking habits cheltenham college, difference between doing good work and custom essay writing services reviews Windermere School, trying too hard to how to write a academic essay macduffie school, be a woman. Woman. custom essay writing services reviews Windermere School? Like anyone even knows what that is still. Or violence. Maybe this is education essay writing european university cyprus, a story about violence. Or maybe I’m still looking for a way to custom essay writing services reviews Windermere School, forgive myself for that failure of womanhood. Two marriages gone busto. Jesus, woman. I keep waiting to feel like a failure. I wonder what would happen if I didn’t know what this story was about. I think this might be a children’s story. It is said that Laume was a silken-haired sky goddess who lived in the clouds. One myth claims that she fell in love with a beautiful young man down on how to write a academic essay macduffie school, earth, and that they had a son. Laume descended to earth from the sky to feed her son with her breasts. How to write a academic essay MacDuffie School? But when the custom essay writing services reviews Windermere School, highest god found out about the son and the sacrilegious love, he killed the boy and scattered his remains between the stars in the sky, and he cut Laume’s breasts. Stone pieces of them can still be found on earth in the form of sea-creature fossils. You would not believe how many sea-creature fossils I’ve collected over the custom essay writing services reviews Windermere School, years. Tons of custom essay writing services reviews Windermere School them. I don’t know why. custom essay writing services reviews Windermere School? Crustaceans and sea spiders. Conglomerate rocks with pieces of critical thinking habits cheltenham college hermit crab fossilized in them. Fish from the desert hills. Ammonites. It’s a wonder to see something so clearly meant for movement in water captured swirling in stone. How to write a academic essay MacDuffie School? Like a petrified snapshot. Or like history’s motion arrested. I’m going to try it again. When I was twenty-two I spent Halloween night in Greenwich Village. I drank vodka in a Russian bar with my girlfriend at the time. A huge middle-aged Russian man and his male friends said drunk fat Russian things to us all night, not a word of article writing guidelines les roches marbella international school of hotel management which we understood, and we laughed, they laughed, and we toasted, and custom essay writing services reviews Windermere School, things seemed strangely OK, like when you are young. Writing out numbers in essays Polimoda? I kept yelling, “I’m Lithuanian!” to the Russian men, like that was something. Later in life I’d learn what an how to write introduction essay les roches jin jiang international hotel management college, idiotic thing that was to be yelling. But at the time it seemed everyone, even the moon, was laughing and drunk. At midnight a giant parade of article writing guidelines les roches marbella international school of hotel management costumed people passed the bar, and so we joined them, and walked for article writing guidelines les roches marbella international school of hotel management, miles together. There were animals: goats, bears, horses, unicorns, centaurs. There were bird claws for feet, the lower bodies of she-goats, large, extended tin foil breasts and exaggerated codpieces, and all sorts of witches, fairies, and mermaids. It was one of the happiest nights of how to write a academic essay macduffie school my life. custom essay writing services reviews Windermere School? We were two girl-women in education essay writing european university cyprus love, we were walking with an army of people in Halloween costumes more vivid and outrageous than reality would ever be. Fear was not anything about us. I don’t know how to belong to the story in a way that doesn’t betray it. I don’t even want to be in the story. Later on, we found ourselves a few alleys away from her crappy dorm room. How to write introduction essay Les Roches Jin Jiang International Hotel Management College? We were stumble-walking, arm in arm. We kissed and teetered along and writing out numbers in essays polimoda, laughed. custom essay writing services reviews Windermere School? I put my hand up her shirt. Then I saw her head lurch forward in a not-right way, and she made a sound—or something did—like someone smashing a pumpkin with a bat. Something hard at my back, and then my side imploding. Two men had come up behind us. One hit her in the skull with a baseball bat, another stabbed me in the lower back and side with a knife. My girlfriend dropped to custom essay writing services reviews Windermere School, her knees, her head hitting the pavement. I saw her body perfectly balanced, head and knees keeping her perched upright, blood everywhere. I saw the two men laughing and custom essay writing services reviews Windermere School, yelling. I saw their shaved heads. I saw stars before I passed out. The last thought I remember thinking was: Skinheads . There is language enough to describe it, but going there is beyond language, so mostly I don’t. I don’t know how to belong to the story in a way that doesn’t betray it. I don’t even want to be in the story, the one in article writing guidelines les roches marbella international school of hotel management which a woman I loved was left partially paralyzed. But mostly I don’t tell the story because I didn’t stay with her happily ever after forever and education essay writing european university cyprus, ever. I’ve noticed the scar at my back and side has softened over the critical thinking habits cheltenham college, years. It’s so tiny you can barely see it. Receding with age and fat, I suppose. Or the guilt of wanting more life. A woman was harvesting a flowerbed and had taken her child with her. She was so busy with her work that the child slept through the day. The woman went home in the evening to milk the cows and make dinner. She served her husband, who asked her, “Where’s my son?” With terror she whispered, “I have forgotten him!” She ran as fast as she could to the place where she had left her son, and she heard Laume speak: “Hush, forgotten child.” The mother asked Laume for her child back. The fairy said, “Come, come, dear woman, take your child, we have done nothing to him. We know that you work very hard, at many jobs, and custom essay writing services reviews Windermere School, that you didn’t want to leave your child behind.” The Laumes went on custom essay writing services reviews Windermere School, to shower the babe with treasures, enough gifts to raise several children on. The mother went home with her precious baby and with her gifts; she was greeted with great joy. Another woman, hearing of this good fortune, was taken over by jealousy. She thought, “I shall do the custom essay writing services reviews Windermere School, same as her, and also be showered in gifts.” The next evening, at dusk, she took her child, left him in the fields, and went home. custom essay writing services reviews Windermere School? When, after dinner, she returned to the field, she heard the Laumes: “Hush, you left your child in greed.” And the child screamed with great pain, for he was being pinched mercilessly. The Laumes continued their torture until the education essay writing european university cyprus, mother approached. Then they tossed the child at her feet. The babe was dead. When my infant daughter died, spilling out with our shared waters, the story breached. Every story I have ever told has a kind of article writing guidelines les roches marbella international school of hotel management breach to custom essay writing services reviews Windermere School, it, I think. You could say that my writing isn’t quite right. That all the beginnings have endings in them. Violence doesn’t only exist in men. Think of mother violence, for example. When my son was in grade school I had hysterically violent thoughts. I was afraid he’d be bullied. custom essay writing services reviews Windermere School? I actually pictured the moment—I saw myself stride across the school grounds, pick a bully child up by his ankles, hold him upside down, shake the shit out of him, and fling him in a dumpster. I thought all the way through “Mamma has to go to jail.” My Lithuanian grandmother cut the tip off my father’s tongue as a boy. After I became a mother and married for the third time, I had a skinhead in my writing class. I know he was a skinhead not from the critical thinking habits cheltenham college, way he looked, though that’s exactly what he looked like: the ’90s version of a London skinhead. I know he was a skinhead because he came to my office and told me. He asked not to have to do group work. I’m embarrassed to say that made me laugh. I also remember thinking: You are a brutal abomination and education essay writing european university cyprus, Not long ago this guy was just a boy, just his mother’s son—what happened? His writing was impeccable. He completed every assignment. Critical thinking habits Cheltenham College? His theses were not Hitleresque. He was oddly polite and article writing guidelines les roches marbella international school of hotel management, courteous. I gave him a C, only because I could, whether or not I should have. If he’d challenged the grade, he’d have won. custom essay writing services reviews Windermere School? In many ways he was the how to write a academic essay macduffie school, best writer in custom essay writing services reviews Windermere School the class. What is a teacher? A mother? Another Laume is a goddess of the home and a warm hearth. If you do not tend to your family and fire well, she burns your house down. With everyone inside. The word for “fireplace” in Lithuanian has come to be understood as “family relations.” In my twenty-third year of teaching college, on a day we were discussing violence as a theme, something repressed inside me lurched, and I told my Halloween-night story to the class. I mean it shot out of my mouth before I could stop it. I lifted up my shirt and showed them my scar. It was one of the more unprofessional teaching moments of my career, though it would certainly not be the last. So much shame came out of my mouth. The shame of a daughter whose body was written by her father. The shame of leaving a woman I loved. The shame of custom essay writing services reviews Windermere School failed marriages and writing out numbers in essays polimoda, motherhoods. At the end of the story I also told them what I’d learned about our attackers. They weren’t skinheads. custom essay writing services reviews Windermere School? They’d been Marines. My then-girlfriend would be neurologically damaged and partially paralyzed for the rest of her life. The marines spent three months—ninety whole days—in jail. custom essay writing services reviews Windermere School? One was dishonorably discharged. Everyone got quiet. How to write a academic essay MacDuffie School? I thought maybe the custom essay writing services reviews Windermere School, story was over, and my intention was to get us all writing and out critical thinking habits cheltenham college, of the well of overly personal pathos I’d let us fall into, but then a Latino man in the class, his neck covered in tattoos, stood up. All I knew from his writing was that he’d been a gang member. That he’d made mistakes and gone to jail. Education essay writing European University Cyprus? That he was writing A+ ideas with C+ skills. That his parents were undocumented workers. That he had four sisters. But I learned that day that he’d also been on writing out numbers in essays polimoda, three tours of duty for our country before he’d turned twenty-two. I also learned that the critical thinking habits cheltenham college, military had begun relaxing tattoo restrictions in 2004. He stood up and said, “I apologize on behalf of Marines.” His sentence was perfect. The air in the room vacuumed. Stories change, just like the lives we’ve lived and selves we’ve inhabited. Nobody’s been the same person twice. He walked the length of the room, straight at me. I braced myself for the article writing guidelines les roches marbella international school of hotel management, moment—I wasn’t sure how much longer I could keep from crying. Briefly it occurred to me that I might die if he got any closer, closer than three feet away. Then he did a regular human thing. He hugged me. He said it again. This time in my ear, and his breath made the writing out numbers in essays polimoda, hairs on my neck shoot up. “I apologize on behalf of Marines.” But that’s not what I heard. I heard, “You don’t have to punish yourself for love.” I didn’t die like I thought I might. From his random compassion, I mean. custom essay writing services reviews Windermere School? I wasn’t a very good teacher. I don’t know what I was. I gave him an A in the class, in enter courses tasis (the american school in switzerland) the end. That day we wrote stories about the small violences in our daily lives. In one story, Laume takes all the children away from their parents in article writing guidelines les roches marbella international school of hotel management a particular village, because they sent their eldest boys to war. The mothers become barren and the custom essay writing services reviews Windermere School, fathers can no longer hold any food down, and thus they die. custom essay writing services reviews Windermere School? The village fades from critical thinking habits cheltenham college, history because the parents did not take care of article writing guidelines les roches marbella international school of hotel management their children. You know, stories change, just like the lives we’ve lived and selves we’ve inhabited. Nobody’s been the same person twice. custom essay writing services reviews Windermere School? I mean really. It’s the people walking around acting and sounding especially self-assured and whole who worry me the most. I like hearing the world’s stories about itself. custom essay writing services reviews Windermere School? That’s partly why I teach world literature. It helps me feel less incarcerated by the world, or my past, or my mistakes and how to write a academic essay macduffie school, confusions. custom essay writing services reviews Windermere School? It helps me remember I’m not just American. I’m not just a woman. A mother. A teacher. A wife. I find value in custom essay writing services reviews Windermere School thinking in stories. Aren’t we all woven through with stories? Isn’t that how we think of our lives, how we survive them? Now, when someone hurts me, I remember that they are only living the terms of custom essay writing services reviews Windermere School their own fictions—sometimes desperately—so their selves don’t unravel. I like that idea. A woven person. Little misshapen stars made of custom essay writing services reviews Windermere School straw. At Guernica , we’ve spent the last 13 years producing uncompromising journalism. More than 80% of custom essay writing services reviews Windermere School our finances come from readers like you. And we’re constantly working to produce a magazine that deserves you—a magazine that is a platform for ideas fostering justice, equality, and custom essay writing services reviews Windermere School, civic action. If you value Guernica ’s role in this era of obfuscation, please donate.